Warning: not all of these are legal, moral, tasteful or possible. Proceed at your own risk.
Now in mini e-book form:
agent for body-part models
agent for celebs’ personal appearances at your club, party, wedding, boutique opening, gallery opening
agent for people who want to get on telly any way they can
agent for selling “true life stories” to TV/press. The agency (staffed by provincial journos) writes your story and you OK it, but the mag that buys it heavily rewrites it and rings you up for more quotes (so that’s why some of them are so bad)
antiques runner (you find – sorry, “source” - and buy things to order)
archaeological find faker (and sell them on ebay)
art taxidermist (place stuffed animals in surreal situations and charge a fortune)
artists' outsourcer - the men who actually make the concepts (they could probably make a giant knee in the Thames)
background faker - you supply calls at work from nonexistent friends/family/partners. Write dialogue. Also fake friends’ backgrounds. Supply “friends” to stage life incidents. (People probably use their real friends for this purpose, and Andy Warhol used to hire an entourage.)
beard: fake heterosexual partner – or fake boy/girl friend/child/wife/mother/family
bespoke dagger maker
better on who’ll win reality TV shows
body part model
breeder of exotic pets (by interbreeding existing species)
briseur de couples professionnel (professional breaker-up of couples - you could also offer to bring people together again)
butler, lady’s maid, housekeeper
Buy parking spaces and run your own private parking fine/clamping operation (it’s legal and you can get a kit from the internet, including reflective vest).
causer of mayhem for hire: Hoover’s COINTELPRO (counter-intelligence program) infiltrated agents into radical (and even not radical) groups. These agents brought disinformation and chaos to the groups they stalked. They turned members and allies against each other with astounding effectiveness and instigated much of the criminal activity that the government claimed it was trying to curb. (I heard this from a friend.)
celeb (or royal) lookalike who takes over when the real actor/king/president wants a holiday
chain letter starter (all the names and addresses on that list are you)
chandelier cleaner (thanks to rise of the super-rich)
clacqueur (the original firm providing enthusiastically applauding crowds was called L’Assurance des Succès Dramatiques)
clothes swap organiser
company providing blog ghostwriters (they don’t write the blog, they provide “traffic” to attract advertisers)
composer of music for uterine scan videos
composer of New Age relaxation music
composer of website music
concierge services (for the day – get things mended, no job too large or small)
counterfeit fashion producer
creator of theme beds (eg Cinderella’s coach). Being done by Bluewell. (Which Hollywood star slept in a gilt Viking longboat/swan?)
cyber vetter (looking on Facebook, Myspace etc for gen on prospective employees. Embarrassing drunken antics advertise that you’re a good sort, not a good worker.)
cycle race pacer (you set the pace on a motorised bike called a Dorny)
décor sourcer (we will find the perfect lampshade for your stairwell etc)
devil - you do the actual work for the charismatic barrister (see Dickens's Tale of Two Cities)
director of trendspotting at ad agency
DNA paternity tester
DNA tester of possibly unfaithful partner’s underwear
essay writer - write students essays, dissertations and theses for them
essay writer II - write essays and sell them via the Internet (or offer an essay “editing” service)
etiquette/culture coach for the newly rich
Facebook administrator "My position is Facebook Administrator for KitchenAid. Any blog that’s posted with the word KitchenAid in it comes onto our web page... It's my job and my pleasure to try and assist anyone having an issue with their KitchenAid Portable Appliances."
faker of divorce etc evidence (Isn’t that what private detectives traditionally did?)
family arbitrator video their rows and make them sit down and watch it. “You always - “ (and here’s the footage) “I never said - “ Oh, yes you did, read the transcript.
family tree faker and buyer (or painter) of fake ancestor pix There used to be firms that promised: “We will research your family tree and find which coat of arms and crest you are entitled to.” Did they “find” a link to an aristocratic family? Evelyn Waugh says people in 19th century had Elizabethan marble tombs carved for their local church.
fantasy artist (art that exists online in video games)
flood proofer Never mind double glazing, sell flood proofing. Dig moat round house with run-off. Waterproof bottom storey with portholes and ship-type doors. Add another storey, with flat roof in case you have to be rescued by helicopter. Move anything not waterproof to first floor. Stockpile tinned food. Steps up to front door, steps down inside. Windows just under ceiling, combined with glass bricks for light. Or just build levees.
forensic archaeologist, accountant, dentist, graphologist, entomologist, linguist, geologist, psychiatrist, toxicologist, psychotherapist...
forger - producing fake payslips so that people can commit mortgage fraud
franchiser for some form of home business that looks promising, like home staging, singing for mums and toddlers (you make the money, your franchisees probably don’t)
garden detective “a retired police officer from York has co founded a company with the sole aim of combating garden crime.” Guardian May 6, 2008
garden thief (of sculpture - or just acers)
geomorphologist (Capability Brown)
ghost composer - for when a pop star wants to write an oratorio. (Charlie Chaplin was a “hummer” and had a ghost called David Raksin.)
ghost writer of celebrity novels/autobiogs/memoirs/pop-star blogs (now outsourced to India)
grow flowers for confetti (dried petals)
grow plants for dried flower arrangements (bottom dropped out of market since 80s)
health setter (no, me neither)
helicopter interior designer
historian of the future (In 2007 it was going to be like this…)
holiday destination manager
holiday snap retoucher/Facebook mugshot retoucher
home stager/house fluffer (a la Anne Maurice)
hostess for gold cashing parties
hotel stager - supply champagne, candles, flowers, drifts of rose petals on bed
house buying agent
human geographer, transport mathematician, shopping historian – Nancy Banks Smith Guardian Aug 23 07
image consultant for transvestites
image consultants/life coaches write your small ads for you (why not offer nameology as well – change your name to something that gives impression you want to give).
In China, according to CNN… companies hire Caucasians to pose as employees or even business partners, which improves the “face” or reputation of the company. In the video, one man posed as an Italian jeweler for a Chinese jewelry company producing pieces inspired by Italian design, which in the eyes of the Chinese customers made their products more authentic. However, the man was in actuality an American actor. In another case, a young Caucasian male was hired to sit in an office that faced the street to visibly show passersby the company had people from the West working there.
job search mentoring (they’re the people who make the money, like the people who offer to tell you how to make money through Twitter/blogs, or train alternative therapists, or sell make-it-yourself kits… now there’s an idea)
register domain names that other people might want
junket whore n. A reviewer or critic who attends lavish all expense-paid press junkets and delivers an unqualified, glowing review in return. Quotes from these universally favorable reviews appear in newspaper movie ads paid for by the same entity that sponsored the junket. Often there is no actual review – just the blurb appearing in the ad.
kids' spa parties assistant
landlady of specialist B&B (people with guide dogs, Goths etc)
life stager for “life theatre” – arrange the flight of white doves as you propose. Come up with witty proposals eg on departure noticeboard at station, written in sky, announced on local radio… Why not, as people want their lives to be more and more like a TV programme? And yes, you video the whole thing.
literary agent for your own work A 50s woman crime writer became an agent – all her clients were her under pseudonyms.
make and sell “decorator’s art” (inoffensive “wall art” or “artwork”)
maker and installer of grey water systems to water your garden
maker of Celtic jewellery
male honey trap “I decided to take up an offer of working as a male honeytrap for a company called Executive Honeytraps run by a private detective.” Daily Mail
marble fireplace cleaner
matchmaker includes bigging up your clients to all and sundry and letting people know they’re single but sought after – personal PR or publicity agent. Matchmaker also hires you an entourage or beard to make you look popular by being with you, smiling at you and laughing at your jokes.
misery memoirist/after-dinner speaker explaining how you “survived”
molecatcher The British Traditional Molecatchers Register, which represents 300 mole trappers
motivational speaker (you do something inspiring and then spend the rest of your life talking about it)
mural painter for window display, themed restaurants (there are lots who are terrible and just blow up photographs)
narrow house designer and builder
painter of nude portraits of rich women
party guest agency: we will provide 200 good-looking, well-dressed people of all ages to help stage your wedding/party (party “extra” also a job); minor celeb to give you away/make speech/shmooze with guests; six matching bridesmaids who’ll look good in the matching outfits; hens to come on your hen night; friends to go on holiday with, hang out with
password guesser (“cracker”)
perfume sniffer (“nose”)
personal stylist (like image consultant but more honest)
personal trainer for prospective brides who want to lose two stone for the ceremony
pet undertaker (pet crematoria)
picture plastic surgeon (restorer and prettifier of old oil paintings)
planner of hen and stag weeks
poetry/short story contest runner
prank call recorder
private detective (There’s a distance learning detective school in Haywards Heath.) Offer your services to psychics to find things out about prospective clients so said clients can say “She couldn’t possibly have known!”. Use camcorder to produce evidence for people’s therapists); also produce evidence for client’s partner’s future partner of what a shit they really are. // Sharma's experience highlights one of the commercial spinoffs of the boom in dot-com dating — a massive growth in India's private-detective industry. (To check out what your partner’s claimed about him/herself.) time.com
private security guard for street/close
product developer for cosmetic company
product name creator
product placement agency
professional dating site profile writer and message answerer
professional taster (of cornflakes, tea...)
professional video blog narrator
proprietor of canine hotel
provider of adventure holidays (archaeology, horse riding, paragliding, parachuting, rafting, canoeing, hiking, off-road driving, caving, camping, sailing, skiing, kite surfing, kayaking, climbing, diving, zorbing)
psychic (popular now)
publicity agent for would-be celebs, “society hostesses”, or anyone who wants an improved version of their lives to be broadcast to their friends and acquaintances
relationship stager - publicity man stages straight relationships for gay star/football star etc
reproduction marble fireplace carver
reputation management (you can hire a PR firm to clean up your online trail, etc)
reputation repairer to remove Web dirt dished by aggrieved ex
restorer of WWII tanks
revenge: not the urban legendary prawns in the curtain pole, but spreading unpleasant rumours about him/her among people he/she is likely to meet. Dropping a hint so that he/she doesn’t get the part/job. Might need to dig up the dirt first. (People now do this themselves through blogs, but a third party would appear impartial.)
run healing tents at summer music festivals
run revenge website for people to dish the dirt about their horrible ex
run twitter and facebook accounts for people who are too middle class to have their own
scent marketer (There's a Scent Marketing Institute.)
secretly record comedy routines to sell to aspiring comedians
self-help book writer
set up copycat website to sell fake goods
stage car accident and claim on the insurance
stager (and scripter) of interaction on Big Brother
star treatment provider In Paris there’s a company will treat you like a star for the evening (limo, fans, paparazzi, seat in expensive restaurant)
start your own company making eg artificial snow, artificial topiarized box trees (both been done)
supplier of dialogue for: breakups, telling your wife you’re having an affair, telling your girlfriend you want the status quo to carry on without ever committing or getting married ect ect while retaining the upper hand and coming out of it smelling like roses and moving on to the next victim. Also supplies explanations to give your social circle that will ensure you stay a member while your partner doesn’t.
surrogate student Hire lookalike to be a student for you, producing diary of friends, events, experiences, photos, big nites out, hols in Thailand while you stay at home, play chess with trainspotters and then do the exam and get a 2.1.
tailor your email scam to the news: this week it’s the tax imbalance.
take the best photos of snowflakes/spiders/earth from balloon and make it your THING
taker of other people’s driving tests (agency for same – you’d have to produce people of roughly the same age, gender and ethnicity)
teach "aiming for the A*" courses (explaining the necessary exam "techniques" or tricks)
theatrical makeup artist (will disguise would-be bank robbers)
therapeutic support for endurance events
therapist in Second Life (now happening September 2010)
tour guide Invent your own “trail” and guide people along it (ley lines, Sherlock Holmes, specialist shops)
turbo jam instructor
Twitter manager Invent a lot of avatars and retweet your client’s tweets (pointers to their service, website, blog)
vegetable gardener (will turn your lawn into a productive allotment)
voice coach They used to be called "elocution teachers".
wallpaper hand painter
wedding choreographer (couple and bridesmaids do a routine)
wedding-hat hire company
write a novel purely to get your name known so that you can get a regular gig in the broadsheets/at literary festivals/running writers’ workshops/reviewing other people’s books – which is where you make your real money.
writer of “thinly disguised memoirs” that are actually made up
writer of dialogue/witticisms to be used in social situations (see the Scott Fitzgerald short story Bernice Bobs Her Hair).
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