Monday, 2 May 2016

More Unserious Limericks

No rhyming allowed
Young writers, don’t sign on at Kent,
Its views are distorted and bent.
No rhyming, no scanning –
What else are they banning?
Litfic is their furthest extent.

(LF. The University of Kent issued proscriptive guidelines for its creative writing course, nixing poems that rhyme and scan.)

There is an old fellow named Farage
Whose anti-Romanian barrage
Reflects a deep fear
That foreigners here
Are all out to squat in his garage.

(Mick Twister ‏@twitmericks)

There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [laws of time/space]!

This limerick goes in reverse
Unless I'm remiss
The neat thing is this:
If you start from the bottom-most verse
This limerick's not any worse.

There was a composer named Liszt,
Who from writing could never desiszt.
He made polonaises
Quite worthy of praises,
And now that he?s gone he is miszt.

There once was a choleric colonel
Whose oaths were obscene and infolonel,
And the chaplain, aghast,
Gave up protest at last,
But wrote them all down in his jolonel.

There was a young curate of Kew
Who kept a tom cat in a pew;
He taught it to speak
Alphabetical Greek
But it never got farther than µ.

The Marquis de Sade and Genet
Are most highly thought of today;
But torture and treachery
Are not my sort of lechery,
So I've given my copies away.
(WH Auden)

My name it is Aleister Crowley,
I'm a master of Magick unholy,
Of philtres and pentacles,
Covens, conventicles,
Of basil, nepenthe, and moly.

A dozen, a gross, and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared and not a bit more.

There was an old man of Peru
Who found a large rat in his stew
said the waiter, “Don’t shout,
or wave it about,
or the rest will be wanting one too!”
More here.

Wednesday, 27 April 2016

Funny Old Royal Jokes

Not seen her, myself

The Queen was staying at Balmoral and went for a walk in tweeds and a headscarf, with a plain-clothes protection officer. Some American tourists were walking the other way. “Do you live round here?” They asked. The Queen said she had a house nearby. “Have you ever met the Queen?” they asked. “No, but -” she pointed to her bodyguard, “he has”.

Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother heard her butler gossiping with another male servant and called out: "When you old queens have finished, this old Queen would like a gin and tonic."

If, during an audience with Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, someone's mobile phone goes off, she's wont to tell them sharply something like "You'd better answer that it might be someone important." (AG)

Sir Malcolm Sargent told the BBC he was bringing a famous guest to its sound studios. Sir Malcolm said to the studio manager, “Allow me to introduce you to the King of Sweden.” There was a short pause and then the King politely said: “Actually, it’s Norway.” (Letter to Times, paraphrase)

MP Bernie Grant turned up to a Buckingham Palace reception in African robes. The Queen said: “Don’t tell me – I know who YOU are! You're the Nigerian Ambassador!”

A man bumped into a lady of a certain age in upmarket food shop Fortnum and Mason – knew he knew her – couldn’t remember who she was – asked more and more probing questions – got nowhere “What are you up to these days?” “Still at the old firm.” "And old...?" "Oh, he's fine." "And your children?" "Flourishing." "And your sister?" "Still Queen."

A writer on the Times, at Shakespeare’s Quatercentenary, ordered his secretary: “Get me Timon of Athens!” "Is he our new Greek stringer?" she asked.

Late 19th century Punch called all pretentious painters “Daubigny” because they painted daubs, ho ho ho. (The real Daubigny was a painter of the Barbizon school.)

Giant European cattle went extinct: Alas! Poor aurochs. (Flying Archaeologist)

Your Manet may not be worth much Monet. (Matt Allwright)

Q: Why are demographers exhausted? A: They're broken down by age and sex.

TBF I won't believe that IDS is a humanitarian until I see him gnawing on a humerus. (@flying_rodent)

Is that the sun or the moon up there?
I don’t know, I’m from Port Talbot.

Does it always rain in Sweden, my lad?
I don’t know, I’m only nine.

I didn't come here to be insulted!
Why, where do you usually go?

Stop that at once!
Certainly, which way did it go?

Some Japanese hosts take a Western guest to a concert of Japanese classical music.
What did you think of it?
To be honest, I found it melancholy, tedious and depressing!
So glad you enjoyed it!

The first time I saw you on stage I realized what a wonderful voice you've got. I think you're so brave not to have had it trained. (Hermione Gingold. Probably.)

More here, and links to the rest.