Tuesday, 24 March 2020

Limericks and Non-Limericks 2


There was a young man with a beard
Who said "I aspire to be weird,
But we all look so samey,
Me, Tom, Dick and Jamie
Alas, it is just as I feared."
(LF)

There was an old man in the dark
Who said, “What a night for a lark!”
So he got out of bed
And stood on his head
Till his toes were bit off by a shark.

May you purge all the lust from my soul, 
Give me continence and self-control,
Give me patience and love
From the heavens above
To obey your commands in their whole.
(Thomas Aquinas, possibly)

Second Year Student Nat.Sci., 
Wishes hereby to apply, 
To earn a few bob,
At 
an interesting job,
Six weeks from the 
end of July.
(Teacup)

The hamlets of East and West Wittering
Began a campaign against littering
They hoovered up bags,
Plastic sandals and fags -
And you at the back can stop tittering!
(LF)

There was an old lady from Crewe
Who lived in an LCC loo.
When asked why it was
She said, “It’s because,
At a penny a day, wouldn’t you?”
(Anon)

If you imbibed too much tea
Relief used to cost thirty pee,
But Victoria Station
Has aided the nation
By making facilities free.
(LF)
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheesemonger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of debris.

My neighbour came over to say,
And not in a neighbourly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If he heard one more sound,
Of the classical music I play.

As a beauty I am not a star,
There are others more handsome by far.
But my face I don't mind it,
Cos I am behind it –
Though for you it's a bit of a jar.

Money, you hear people say,
Is the root of all evil today,
But if you ask for a rise
It is no surprise
They’re not giving any away.

There was an old man who averred
He had learned how to fly like a bird.
Cheered by thousands of people,
He leapt from the steeple –
His tomb states the date it occurred.
(AG)

One for sorrow,
Two for joy,
Three for a girl,
Four for a boy,
Five for silver,
Six for gold,
Seven for Customer Service,
Or eight to listen to these options again.
(@FubsyShabaroon)

Come all you beach combers and list unto me
The species of plastic you find in the sea
The cup lids and condoms and driftwood and shoes
The toothbrushes, lighters you find in the ooze
The golf tees and curlers and nurdles and twine
The Lego and loom bands you find in the brine 
The coffee pods, cotton buds, endless teaspoons
The bits of rope, twine and net, grounded balloons
The fishing rope offcuts, smartie caps, dog poo bags
The Lego and crates, cable ties, little tags.
Do you find plastic bottles and lots of blue string?
Who knows what a beachcombing outing will bring!
LF/ Tracey Williams
Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
Fain would I fathom thy nature specific.
Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
Strongly resembling a gem carbonaceous.


Monday, 23 March 2020

Irregular Verbs



Bernard Woolley in Yes Minister was fond of them: It’s one of those irregular verbs, isn’t it? I have an independent mind. You are eccentric. He is round the twist.



I am assertive, you are brusque, he is rude.
I am dominant, you are dominating, she is domineering.
I am determined, you are aggressive, he is bloody-minded.

I am indomitable, you are formidable, he is stubborn.
I am introspective, you are self-absorbed, he is an egomaniac.
I am firm, you are stubborn, he is pigheaded.

I am allusive, you are elliptical, he is unclear.
I am confident, you are forward, he is brash.
I am proactive, you are assertive, he is pushy.

I vent justified opinions, you backbite, she’s a terrible gossip.
I am thorough, you are verbose, he is a bore.
I am clear, you are firm, she is strident.

I am eloquent, you are glib, he soft-soaps.
I argue, you proselytise, he touts for converts.
I practise self-care, you are self-centred, they are pathologically selfish.

I am emotional, you are sensitive, he is sentimental.
I have legitimate concerns, you complain, she is always wailing about something.
I have concerns, you have worries, he has obsessions.

I have opinions, you are opinionated, he is prejudiced.
My design is an hommage, yours is derivative, his is pastiche.
I am influenced by, you take elements from, they plagiarise.
I have opinions, you are easily influenced, he has been brainwashed.

More here.