Tuesday, 21 April 2015
Posh department store in London: "Pandora! Leave that box alone!" (As genuine as “Midas, I said ‘Don’t touch!’ ”)
Melbourne, Victoria Heard a woman in the park yesterday calling for her Jack Russell. “Aioli, come back here. Now, Aioli.” I despair. (Sniouxsie Sioux @SilverMtSarah)
Man on bus: They’ve got seven children, but they weren’t accidents, they were all wanted. There’s a picture on Facebook of them holding up shortbread. I’m voting UKIP. (He also said that friends of his had gone out to fight ISIS and ended up joining it. “But they all hate each other – they pretend to be friends, but they all hate each other.”)
Man on bus: We just put a few pounds under the apple and banana bowl, son, yeah? (In the middle of a half-hour rant to his son, yeah? about looking after his gran, and the cost of travelling to Barbados.)
In the café: Don’t you want to meet your new grandson?
Cockney gran: Naow, I don’t! Naow!
One girl to another: Just keep saying “I’m a princess and I deserve to be treated like one.”
Two blokes walking: I don’t believe everything I read in the Bible.
Girl on phone: But I haven’t even got a boyfriend!Girl on train: So when you got married, you’d never had sex before in your life!
In the café, small boy to phone: Google, what’s a Quark?
In Stoke Newington café:
Proprietor: Did you leave a jacket behind? I’ve got it at home.
Young girl: Oh my God, that’s a £200 Italian leather jacket! I cried when I thought I’d lost it!
Proprietor: Don’t get too excited, it might not be yours! (Sells jacket on ebay.)
In Clissold Park café: Would you like a carrot stick, Henry? Baby crisp? Naughty baby crisp?
In the health food shop: The olive crop has failed – the price of olive oil is already £2 up!
At the community garden fair:What does H O R I Z O N say, Spencer?
What's his Friday enrichment?
I offered it to you earlier and you didn't choose to do it. (craft workshop)
It would be a very tiny religion!
Don’t say Specsavers to 'im!
At the feminist library Xmas fair: Would you woman the tea stall?
In the bistro: My greatest wish is to be there when an operation is performed. I’d love to see that. That’s why I love watching Dr Who. But I can’t bear touching fish! (Did she mean Doctors?)
On holiday: I have never experienced that even in a ski resort!
At the Giant’s Causeway: It was built by somebody – here’s a cut mark! Somebody built this!
In the corner shop: You don’t want no energy drinks. Keep it simple!
Woman on bus on phone: #'Hi, are you sleeping?' Gets loud 'not any more' reply. (@dellamirandola0)
OH: "Nick Clegg is at a hedgehog sanctuary." (@JonnElledge)
On the train, someone's phone conversation. Agitated tones, cut short as she disembarks: "The next generation of Tinder babies will be..." (Simon Sellars @ballardian)
OH: "It takes a feminine napkin to make that point." (@joshgreenman)
Overheard at the National Theatre: "And I was in a Bulgarian film that was so bad it went straight to DVD in Bulgaria." (@DrMatthewSweet)
Man talking loudly on his phone in this coffee shop has just said "No, no, no! Fresh water is a PRODUCT!" (Andrew Male @AndrewMaleMojo)
'My wife and I argue every single day. She just won't accept that I am her master.' - said in all seriousness by a man in this hotel bar. (@BarnabyEdwards)
Overheard on the train: "I don't do Shiraz." "No, I don't do Shiraz either. Really sick of it." (They prefer Merlot since you ask.) (@bat020)
Two women having a heated discussion. One uses air quotes. "He calls for me then takes you out for a hotdog? I don't call that 'chivalry'!" (Andrew Male @AndrewMaleMojo)
Town cryer oh-yey!-ing in Cecil Court. Boy stops to look. Dad pulls him away. Dad: That's for tourists. Boy: Aren't we tourists? Dad: No! (Andrew Male @AndrewMaleMojo)
Guy on tube, on phone, in hushed confidential voice "I got the clingfilm, dandruff shampoo, and a lime. Like you specified." (@lucyfishwife)
OH at the Gdn leader writers' desk: "Do you say 'Trotskyist' or 'Trotskyite'?" Apparently there are subtleties to the answer. (Andrew Brown @seatrout)
Quote of the day. Couple walking past me into the wind 'we are just like those penguins aren't we?' (Claire Welford @Welfrington)
School group (10yos) trails past shop. "NO SIMON, that's NOT the National Archives, it's a BOOKSHOP." (@lucyfishwife)
OH, South London: "That was the night I ate my own sim card". (Sathnam Sanghera @Sathnam)
Just heard genuine train announcement: 'Please mind the gap (pregnant pause) between Southern Rail timetable and reality'. (@MunicipalDreams)
Train announcer: "Apologies to passengers w reservations in coach C, there is no coach C tonight, this is due to there being no coach C." (hannah @nanpansky)
Will passengers taking the train on platform 13 please put it back. (Apocryphal)
More here, and links to the rest.