When people hear the opposite...

I don't know why this happens.

In our old office, we had individual rooms (small). My desk faced the window, away from the door. People have the odd idea that it's deferential to be very, very quiet. They used to come in, wearing trainers on a thick carpet, and whisper "Hello". I would leap three feet in the air. So I put a notice on my door: "Please approach NOISILY". Guess what they did? In the end I turned my desk round. (Was it the same people who marked up a proof in tiny, faint writing? And failed to obey the instructions "keep tightly closed"? Or "replace cap after use"?)

In our new office, I kept complaining it was hot and stuffy. Eventually two men with a ladder turned up, waving a chit. "Says here lady is too cold!" Turned out all that previous handymen had done was turn my aircon OFF. I'd said "hot" every time.

When I got an answering machine, slightly ahead of my friends, they'd leave a message and then add: Call me at gabble mumble mumble gabble, drops voice. So I altered my answering machine message to say "Please leave your number SLOWLY". People then enunciated their number and sneered "Was that slow enough?"

I used to run a small singing group. I'd say "If you want to emphasise a syllable, use the vowel, not the consonants". They gave me more more consonants: Snap! Crackle! Pop! I asked for "piú legato" (smoother). They gave me more staccato ("cut short crisply", says the dictionary).

Whenever I told them "breathe" they heard me say "don't breathe". Some of them had sung in large groups where you are always being told not to breathe here, there and everywhere. I always told them to breathe before they ran out of air. Even in the middle of a long note. This overrode earlier instructions – and people tend to stick to the first instruction they're given. However, if you want to sing, you need to breathe IN before each phrase, and then use the air to sing with. Try it.