Truly Dreadful Jokes

Time for some dreadful old cracker jokes! Recycle them, it might save the planet.

What’s this piece of music?
A piece of early Handel, before he joined with Hinge and Bracket to form The Doors. (@I_am_KenBarlow)

A man meets an old woman, is making conversation, and asks her where she's lived in her long life. she says, "Well, I was born in Austria-Hungary, then lived in Poland during my childhood, then spent a stint in the Soviet Union and Germany, then spent the bulk of my adult life back in the Soviet Union, and finally retired in Ukraine."
"Wow, you've done a lot of travelling!"
"Nope, never left Lviv."
(@iwsfutcmd)

A man got the job of marking the border between Russia and Poland. So he set out to walk north with a map and a machine for marking tennis courts. He walks for miles, then comes up against a house that sits right on the border. He knocks on the door, explains what he's doing.

"Which side of the border do you want to be on?"
"Poland."

So he marks the border round the east side of the house and off he goes again. After a few miles he stops and wonders "Why did he want to be in Poland, not Russia?" So back he goes. Knock knock.

"I just had to know why you'd rather be in Poland?"
"I can't stand the Russian winters."

On another occasion, Mr Goldberg is in a travel agents, looking for somewhere warm to go on holiday. He twiddles the globe, the travel agent makes suggestions.

"East Turkey is nice."
"The Turks don't like us."
"Bulgaria is popular now? Tunisia? Egypt?"

Mr Goldberg shakes his head at them all. Finally: “You maybe got another globe?”

Jewish telegram: Start worrying. Details to follow.

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb? None – I’ll just sit here and suffer in the dark.

Best “Waitrose” story I know is that I was in ALDI, a woman’s phone rings and she says “I’m just in Waitrose at the moment”. I just looked at her & smiled. (SA)

What’s red and invisible? No tomatoes.

Sorry I haven't posted for a few days I've been opening a packet of sliced ham. (@daveguitarjones)

“See ya later, pollinator!” 
“In a while, dendrophile!” 
(@OldHollowTree)

"Do autistic people take everything literally?" 
"No, you're thinking of kleptomaniacs."
(@scantrahan)

Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western civilisation?
I think it would be a very good idea.

What would you like to drink?
I’ll just have a chateau neuf du tap!

Man is sprinkling powder around him as he walks.
Onlooker: What’s that?
Man: Elephant powder – it keeps away elephants.
Onlooker: But there aren’t any elephants around here.
Man: You see? It works!

During the storms of 1953 when the sea was about to breach the sea walls, 
the conversation in one house went.

"Should we warn the neighbours?"
Pause.
"No, they didn't warn us when the Vikings came."

A secret servicman is looking for his contact in a Welsh village. Trouble is, everyone is called Jones. He asks a policeman and is offered Jones the Garage, Jones the Shop, Jones the Dig, Jones the Hair. Finally they narrow it down.

Oh, you’re looking for Jones the Spy!

More here, and links to the rest.