It's unbelievable that people are still wheeling out “Women take for ever to get dressed”. Plus “She’s the boss ha ha!” on Bargain Hunt. And on Nothing to Declare: My mother/auntie/wife packed my bag. Ladies, eh! Eh? Ha ha! (It’ll be “They’re terrible drivers ho ho” next.) Here are some jokes that are actually funny.
I pleaded an urgent subsequent engagement. (Oscar Wilde)
Two Ancient Egyptians are carving an inscription: How many times do I have to tell you! It’s eagle before snake, except after feather!
I had a terrifying experience last night. I was alone in the house having a bath, when all of a sudden, I felt a tap on my shoulder…
Lisa: My halo sometimes slips around my neck. Actually, on a bad day, my waist!!!
Tiffer: Lisa, don't worry until it's an anklet.
A student of English, seeing a theatre poster proclaiming "Cavalcade is pronounced success" gave up and returned to Germany. (Other students boasted that they were studying the great English writer “Grim Grin”, and had read “Sickies of Sickindom” by “Edge Crown”. Plagiarised by Kingsley Amis in
I Like It Here – this joke was current in the 50s. That's "Graham Green" and AJ Cronin's The Keys of the Kingdom.)
Two social workers happen upon a beaten and bloody man lying groaning on the pavement. One turns to the other and says, "Someone out there urgently needs our help!" (@DavidBennun)
Scientists build a supercomputer to solve the world’s problems.
Their first question: Is there a God?
The answer: There is now.
BRJ: When I took my ‘structures’ exam as part of my architectural training my viva examiner said “Well I’ll pass you but if you were going to be a doctor half your patients would die.”
In World War One, a British officer is buying groceries for the Officers’ Mess.
Officer: Je veux des oeufs, du lait, du pain et du fromage – pour la Mess!
Woman shopkeeper: Pour la Messe? Mon dieu! Quelle religion! (Punch)
The Severn Bore, televised, is underwhelming. The BBC’s Sally and John imagine its excuses.
John: Too much water in the river.
Sally: Rain too wet.
Me: Can you give me a quote?
Plumber: Romeo Romeo wherefore art thou Romeo?
Me: Thanks.
(Michael Rosen)
I hate it when people think they are so intelligent and start talking about Mozart when they haven’t even seen one of his paintings.
An encounter in Fortnum and Mason.
Excited fan: Didn't you used to be Ernest Thesiger?
Gaunt actor Ernest Thesiger, sepulchrally: I still am!
Also Thesiger, after escaping from Dunkirk.
What was it like?
My dear! The noise, and the people!
Thesiger is relieved on guard duty.
I’m so glad to see you, my dear, I am frozen, frozen, frozen!
Between takes, he used to embroider tapestries.
I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals! IM LIVID!
Tory scum!
I object!
All right, you’re the opposite of scum – dregs!
MP: Half the party opposite are crooks!
Mr Speaker: Retract!
MP: All right, half the party opposite are not crooks!
You’re so Venn, I bet you think this graph is about you, don’t you, don’t you?
I'm not saying my sister never threw anything away, just that we found a newspaper in her house that had the headline GROMYKO OUSTED IN KREMLIN SHAKE-UP. (MOB)
@Arborglyph: Cold houses are character building.
@lslothuus: How many more years of enduring this before my character is fully built?
Explorer: Ah, the lost tribe of the Amazon!
Tribe: We're not lost, but are you?
Many years ago I visited North Wales in November, and asked for the time of the next bus from Bangor to Capel Curig. "May", was the response. (RG)
Archaeology: a career in ruins.
There’s a lot of denominational friction: Catholics vs. Orthodox, Protestants vs. Catholics, Reformed vs. Evangelical, Mainline vs. Non-Denominational. My brothers in Christ, we should not be attacking each other. We should be ganging up on the Unitarians. (@aelfred_D)
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken?
A poultrygeist.
Don’t go into the graveyard at night! The ghosts are trying to sleep.
More here and links to the rest.
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