Funny Old Royal Jokes

Not seen her, myself

The Queen was staying at Balmoral and went for a walk in tweeds and a headscarf, with a plain-clothes protection officer. Some American tourists were strolling the other way. “Do you live round here?”, they asked. The Queen said she had a house nearby. “Have you ever met the Queen?” they asked. “No, but –” she indicated her bodyguard, “he has”.

If, during an audience with Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, someone's mobile phone goes off, she's wont to tell them sharply something like "You'd better answer that – it might be someone important." (AG)

According to Jilly Cooper in her masterpiece Class, the Queen was trying on some evening dresses. She stood in front of the mirror wearing a creation studded with rhinestones. "Oh, do get it, Ma'am!" urged her ladies-in-waiting. "I'm afraid I'll have nowhere suitable to wear it," sighed the Queen.

The young Queen pushed past her mother and grandmother to the front of the royal box. "Who do you think you are?" hissed the Queen Mother. "The Queen, Mummy, the Queen!"

MP Bernie Grant turned up to a Buckingham Palace reception in African robes. The Queen said: “Don’t tell me – I know who YOU are! You're the Nigerian Ambassador!”

The Queen liked visiting her own racing stables because it was the only place she could go that didn't smell of fresh paint.

Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother heard her butler chatting with another male servant and called out: "When you old queens have finished gossiping, this old Queen would like a gin and tonic."

Sir Malcolm Sargent told the BBC he was bringing a famous guest to its sound studios. Sir Malcolm said to the studio manager, “Allow me to introduce you to the King of Sweden.” There was a short pause and then the King politely said: “Actually, it’s Norway.” (Letter to Times, paraphrase)

A man bumped into a lady of a certain age in upmarket food shop Fortnum and Mason – knew he knew her – couldn’t remember the name – asked more and more probing questions – got nowhere “What are you up to these days?” “Still at the old firm.” "And old...?" "Oh, he's fine." "And your children?" "Flourishing." "And your sister?" "Still Queen."


A writer on the Times, at Shakespeare’s Quatercentenary, ordered his secretary: “Get me Timon of Athens!” "Is he our new Greek stringer?" she asked.

Late 19th century Punch called all pretentious painters “Daubigny” because they painted daubs, ho ho ho. (The real Daubigny was a painter of the Barbizon school.)

Giant European cattle went extinct: Alas! Poor aurochs. (Flying Archaeologist)

Your Manet may not be worth much Monet. (Matt Allwright)

Q: Why are demographers exhausted? A: They're broken down by age and sex.

TBF I won't believe that IDS is a humanitarian until I see him gnawing on a humerus. (@flying_rodent)

Is that the sun or the moon up there?
I don’t know, I’m from Port Talbot.

Does it always rain in Sweden, my lad?
I don’t know, I’m only nine.

I didn't come here to be insulted!
Why, where do you usually go?

Stop that at once!
Certainly, which way did it go?

Some Japanese hosts take a Western guest to a concert of Japanese classical music.
What did you think of it?
To be honest, I found it melancholy, interminable and depressing!
So glad you enjoyed it!

The first time I saw you on stage I realised what a wonderful voice you've got. I think you're so brave not to have had it trained. (Hermione Gingold. Probably.)

More here, and links to the rest.