Stop me if you've heard this one – or save it to put in a cracker.
Blackadder: You see, Baldrick, we need everyone to believe in God, because then they'll be good and not steal my last farthing. But how to persuade them?
Baldrick: Sir, I have a cunning plan.
Blackadder: What's that, Baldrick?
Baldrick: [cunningly] We attack a 19th century biologist. (Pictured.)
You know what's odd? Numbers that can't be divided by two.
Archaeology: a career in ruins.
Autocorrect is my worst enema. (Jim Devlin)
The future is certain; it is only the past that is unpredictable. (Old Soviet joke)
All mushrooms are edible, some only once.
I pleaded an urgent subsequent engagement. (Oscar Wilde)
Dates are important, ask any camel.
School inspector knocks on door of progressive school. Door is opened by a naked child.
Inspector: My God!
Child: We don't believe in him here. (Shuts door.)
Can you keep a secret?
Yes, what is it?
Well, so can I!
If you pour water on a duck's back, it runs off.
I'm not surprised - I would too!
Census Taker: Does Willie Handler live here?
Me: No.
CT: Well, then, what is your name?
Me: Willie Handler.
CT: Wait a minute–didn’t you just tell me that Willie Handler doesn’t live here?
Me: You call this living?
(Via Willie Handler)
Scene: Berwick Street market.
Stallholder: Pahnd a pahnd, pahnd a pahnd, bananas!
Man in pinstripe suit: My good man, it's a "pound a pound!"
Stallholder: Pahnd a pahnd! Pahnd a pahnd!
Pinstripe: Dad!
Stallholder: Son!
(They hug.)
Interviewer: Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western civilisation?
Gandhi: I think it would be a very good idea.
In the Bayeux Tapestry, the Normans are literally in bits on the floor.
Helpful Anglo-Saxon: Hast thou tried a myndfulnesse seminar?
Social workers happen upon a beaten and bloody man lying groaning on the pavement. One turns to the other and says, "My God, whoever did this urgently needs our help." (@DavidBennun)
I'm reminded of the story that, when John Prescott, Margaret Beckett and Tony Blair were contesting the Labour leadership in 1994, they were referred to at the BBC as the lion, the witch and the wardrobe. (Jonathan Calder @lordbonkers)
Explorer: Ah, the lost tribe of the Amazon!
Tribe: We're not lost, but are you?
Many years ago I visited North Wales in November, and asked for the time of the next bus from Bangor to Capel Curig. "May", was the response. (Richard Gray)
There’s a lot of denominational friction: Catholics vs. Orthodox, Protestants vs. Catholics, Reformed vs. Evangelical, Mainline vs. Non-Denominational. My brothers in Christ, we should not be attacking each other. We should be ganging up on the Unitarians. (@aelfred_D)
Two Ancient Egyptians are carving an inscription.
How many times do I have to tell you! It’s eagle before snake, except after feather!
I had a terrifying experience last night. I was alone in the house having a bath, when all of a sudden, I felt a tap on my shoulder…
Lisa: My halo sometimes slips around my neck. Actually, on a bad day, my waist!!!
Tiffer: Lisa, don't worry until it's an anklet.
Scientists build a supercomputer to solve the world’s problems.
Scientists: Is there a God?
Computer: There is now.
When I took my ‘structures’ exam as part of my architectural training my viva examiner said “Well I’ll pass you but if you were going to be a doctor half your patients would die.” (Barry Richard Joyce)
During the storms of 1953 when the sea was about to breach the sea walls, the conversation in one house went.
Should we warn the neighbours?
No, they didn't warn us when the Vikings came.
I’ll let you know if nothing happens! (Maigret)
If you’re a dreg, be a proud dreg! (Stagecoach)
Rizzo: Why are you whispering?
Gonzo: It’s for dramatic emphasis!
Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a red rash that forms circles and spreads outwards!
Ah, you’ve got erythemata annulare centrifugum!
What does that mean, doctor? Is it bad?
It means you’ve got a red rash that forms circles and spreads outwards.
(Rob Buckman)
Interviewer: So where are you from then?
Lenny Henry: Dudley.
I: No, where are you really from?
LH: (puzzled) Dudley
I: OK then, where is your father from?
LH: Dudley.
I: So where is your grandfather from?
LH: Ah that's different, he's from Wolverhampton.
It’s World War Two and the Yanks have arrived. They’re sitting on the steps of their hotel ready to wolf whistle at two girls who are approaching.
Girl One: Remember, do a casual wave and say “How ya doin’, guys?”
(Punch)
1st debutante: How was your honeymoon? What was it like? You know...
2nd debutante: It's much too good for the working classes.
More here, and links to the rest.
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