Corny Old Jokes Plus

 
I know I’m not dumb, and I also know I’m not blonde! (Dolly Parton)

A woman has a better chance of snaring a man if she keeps her trap shut.

One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle. And saw that Waitrose had a 3 for 2 offer on Pickled Onion Monster Munch. (Leslie Costar)

You scheming, devious megalomaniac!
That's Mr Megalomaniac to you! 

(Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

The past is rewritten so quickly, you don't know what's going to happen yesterday. (Soviet joke)

Tallinn, Estonia, mid 1970s, a haberdashery. 
Do you have zippers?
Nope.
Where is the nearest store that carries zippers?
Helsinki.

(Helsinki is in Finland.)

A Polish guy goes to the optometrist to have his eyesight tested. The doctor shows him a card: “Can you read this?” The guy: “Read it? I went to school with him!”

I was born in Austria-Hungary. I went to school in Czechoslovakia. My first job was in Hungary. I married my wife in the USSR. I get my pension in Ukraine. But I never left the city I was born in.

Is that a Junya Watanabe she's got on?
Yes.
Then I'm wearing mine upside down!

(Hale and Pace, The Management. Watanabe made origami-like dresses in the 80s.)

I need some new shoes - some that'll take me up to Bob’s shoulder but not over Bill’s head. 

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. (Groucho Marx)

What do you know about atoms?
Very little.
Besides that.

Headline: PM: VANDALS CAN’T CHANGE OUR HISTORY

Matthew Sweet: Don’t know whether the Romans would agree.

Two women by a washing line. One says to the other: “It dries the washing using the very latest technology – a combination of solar and wind power.”

Good Consternoon Afterble. What makes you drink I’m thunk? I am not under the affluence of incahol.

Your teeth are like stars! They come out at night.

You remind me of the sea.
Majestic and awe-inspiring?
No, you make me sick.

More here, and links to the rest.