Outrageous Excuses 2017

Silly reasons for not voting, or voting Leave:

I’m voting Green to send the government a message.

I’m not voting because there’s no difference between Trump and Hillary.

I’m not voting for a politician ha ha.

Why isn’t there a “none of the above” option?

I’m not voting based on fear! (Current in the US 2016)

I'm not political.

They're all as bad as each other.

Here 'the Conservatives always get in', so any non-Con vote doesn't count.

It’s a sad day when you have to vote against people instead of voting for them.

I vote for the man, not the party. 

You can’t trust a politician.
Every vote is a vote for the kyriarchy.

I want to send them a message.

I’m going to leave my vote blank as a protest.

I’m going to spoil my voting paper to teach them a lesson.

Voting for someone who is the least worst is not my idea of change. (voteblankrevolution.com)

I refuse to vote until [insert condition here].

I’ve just had enough of everything.

Voting never changed anything.

I don't care, I hate them all.

Running the country is too important to be left to anyone who actually wants the job.

Well I voted Democrat last time and they didn’t get in so I’m not voting because I want my vote to count.

Racists who voted for Trump/Brexit “are suffering economic anxiety and we should sympathise with their legitimate concerns”. (Leavers and Hillary voters, on the other hand, are just a bunch of moaning minnies who should shut up now.)

Spoke to 2 leave voters in my week in Devon.
1: "I voted out but I didn't think they'd win"
2: "I just wanted out, don't really know why"
(Delicate Snowflake‏ @AndyBodle)

O/heard someone yesterday who voted leave because of "the damage done to the British sports car industry". (Sarah Shaw‏ @Dymvue)  

I voted leave because I go to the supermarket and the banana is straight. (Woman on Question Time She was going to vote Remain, but she saw a straight banana and decided she was sick of all the "silly rules they impose on us".)

When I was a young man in the '60s this country was a better place to live in, we had more things to do when we were teenagers.

Latest lame reason for not voting: Just saw someone saying they’re not voting because ‘voting gives legitimacy to politicians’. (Tom Hatfield ‏@WordMercenary)

I'm undecided because I don't know enough about it but I will be voting 'out'. (BBC News vox pop)

I voted against Brussels because I’m fed up with London.
I’m voting Brexit because I want house prices to come down.
I voted Brexit because I didn’t think my vote would count.
It's all smoke and mirrors.
I'm a Cornish fisherman.


Yes, honour killings, forced marriage, baby battering, child abuse, domestic abuse, FGM – they’re all against the law, oh yes, but you see it would be wrong to prosecute because children would have to testify against their parents, it would break up the family, children would see their parents go to prison, it’s a cultural issue, it’s colonial, it takes two to make a quarrel, [insert insane reason here].

Jallikattu (bull-running in Tamil Nadu) is necessary for the "survival and well-being of the native breed of bulls and preserving cultural traditions". BBC (It has just been re-legalised, Jan 2017.) See also “Hunting preserves the countryside”, “There’d be no coppices without hunting”, “Cattle and sheep would die out if we all became vegetarians”, “We should go on smoking cigarettes because the tobacco industry employs poor people”.

Silly reasons for not banning private fireworks:
I don’t like banning things.
It’s the people not the fireworks that cause the injuries (repeat with guns).
And there are 1001 reasons why we shouldn’t tax sugary drinks, and 1001 things we should do instead.

If you don't like banning things, you will be in favour of lifting the ban on:
Arsenic in wallpaper, arsenic in green paint, chimney sweeping by children, opium sold over the counter (and arsenic), flammable children’s nighties, naked-flame footlights, hunting, handguns (banned after Dunblane school shooting), keeping large exotic wild animals in your home, CFCs, smoking in pubs, tobacco adverts on the tube, alcohol adverts on the tube, tobacco adverts on the telly, people smoking on TV and in films, drinking and driving, not wearing seatbelts, bear baiting, hare coursing, badger baiting, cock fighting, bare knuckle boxing.

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Explaining away:
Oh, ha ha, Facebook woman has just said people are only marching because victimhood is fashionable and also they want to get on TV. (Kate Long ‏@volewriter)

Thousands came to London for Diana's funeral because they "just wanted the attention".

Mariah Carey’s sound equipment was sabotaged at New Year “because they wanted a viral moment”.

Surely that ignorant sexist is just a parody account – nobody could be that stupid. The meninist who thought women menstruate through their bladders was an obvious hoax/joke/troll. (He seemed genuinely dense. “People have sent me hundreds of diagrams. I don’t know why they think I’d be interested. They say I should go to biology classes, but I can’t afford it!”)

Excuses, excuses:
Favourite excuse I have heard for being late: "Actually I was ten minutes early, so I went for a walk, and now I'm late." (Andrea Klettner‏ @aklettner)

What to say when you've overdone the filler: "I was allergic to it, I’m having it reversed.)

Conspiracy theorist who said Sandy Hook was a fake says he’s “Just a performance artist”.

Woman found with knife and cannabis claims she is “wearing ritual dress”.

I didn’t know I was a member of BNP. “It must have been one of those mindless mistakes you make when messing about on the computer.” On finding out his name and phone number were on a list of BNP members from 2008.

Settlements in the West Bank are an attempt to solve the housing crisis.

James O’Brien “felt sorry for Ronald Coyne [the Cambridge student who burned a £20 note in front of a homeless person] because the guy's life has effectively being ruined by one stupid, inconsequential, out-of-character, drunken act. Think of the worst thing you have ever done and imagine that it was recorded, broadcast and placed on social media to haunt you for the rest of your life instead of being left in the "best forgotten" corner of your memoirs.” And besides, his parents aren’t posh!

Debenhams claim the soaking of a homeless man by staff who then laughed at him was “an unfortunate accident”.

"That's not who I am" = the default excuse of the unrepentant. (Nancy Friedman ‏@Fritinancy)

That Farage “analcyst” typo was deliberate.

Dutch rapper says his “Jews like money” song is a compliment.

“You just cannot drive a Rolls-Royce in Beverly Hills anymore, because they have it in for you.” Zsa Zsa Gabor on being stopped for a traffic violation, being found with an open bottle of vodka in the car, and slapping a policeman.

Former billionaire who repeatedly called binman a 'black c**t' and a 'monkey' cleared after he said 'I didn't mean this in a racist way'.

"He's not a vicious dog." (He just BIT ME) "You startled him. (By walking quietly along a public footpath.) "He's never off the lead." (He was OFF THE LEAD.) "He's not a vicious dog." (He just RAN UP AND BIT ME.) (Kate Long ‏@volewriter)

“It was a moment of madness,” says doctor who stole a poster of Steve McQueen from a Belfast hotel.

More here, and links to the rest.