Outrageous Excuses 2017 (2)

A bison ate my homework

I still leave two spaces after a full stop because:
It’s what I was taught 30 years ago – I’d have been fired if I didn’t comply!
It’s a hard habit to break.
My mother told me to and I want to retain a link with a loved one.

Princess Margaret said that Boy George looked like an “over-made-up tart”. Her office explained that she said he was “commedia dell’arte”.

Jacob Rees Mogg says increased use of food banks is due to the previous Labour government not telling people they existed. He also says the phenomenon is "uplifting". (Sept 2017)

Poor people only go to food banks because they don’t know how to cook. (Baroness Jenkins)

Bannon trying to spin his departure as a good thing is like the guy who just got fired talking about how awesome his own business will be: “Now I don't have to come here every day I can devote all my time to working on my screenplay!” (Ian Rennie‏ @theangelremiel)

I accept theoretically we didn’t win. But in a way we won an awareness. We won the opportunity for our manifesto to be heard. If the timespan of the campaign was longer I think we would be in government now. It wasn’t because Theresa May won why she is still prime minister. It wasn’t because Jeremy lost. Jeremy, in a sense, didn’t lose, the Labour party didn’t lose. And the Conservatives didn’t win. (Claudia Webbe)

Gay Porn Star Turned German Spy Accused of Being Jihadi Mole Says He Planned Attack Online Because of Boredom (Newsweek)

Boots claim the morning after pill is so expensive to discourage ‘inappropriate’ use. (Metro)

Councillor Rosemary Carroll had claimed she had meant to delete a racist post but ended up publishing it by mistake.

Department for Communities and Local Government: "Translation undermines community cohesion by encouraging segregation" (Dec 2012)

Turkish schools will stop teaching evolution because: "We believe that these subjects are beyond students' comprehension."

A pub landlord who posted a message on Facebook calling for the deportation of everyone with the same name as the Manchester bomber says he doesn’t “understand how Facebook works”.

UKIP wants to ban the burka because it prevents absorption of Vitamin D.

A woman in the US tried to persuade other parents and children on a camping trip to act as if the Easter Bunny was real because her eight-year-old son still believed in it, and she wanted to “keep the magic alive”. (Via Mallory Ortberg, slate.com)

Conspiracist Alex Jones of InfoWars is trying to get custody of his kids, but in court couldn’t answer questions about their lives. He blamed it on the “big bowl of chilli” he ate for lunch.
In the last year, two people have told me they're voting Tory because Britain can't deport Abu Hamza. Hamza was extradited to the US in 2012. (@flying_rodent)

Global warming is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese. (Donald Trump)

God doesn't send people to hell. He honours their decision to live without Him for eternity. (@ImSowFull)

Theresa May says she backs fox hunting because other methods of killing foxes are 'cruel' (Business Insider UK‏ @BIUK)

The Polish government wants to chop down a forest which is home to European bison in order to “protect it”.

More here, and links to the rest.