Limericks and Non-Limericks 2

There was a young man with a beard

Who said "I aspire to be weird,

But we all look so samey,

Me, Tom, Dick and Jamie

Alas, it is just as I feared."

(LF)

There was an old man in the dark

Who said, “What a night for a lark!”

So he got out of bed

And stood on his head

Till his toes were bit off by a shark.

May you purge all the lust from my soul, 

Give me continence and self-control,
Give me patience and love
From the heavens above
To obey your commands in their whole.
(Thomas Aquinas, possibly)

Second Year Student Nat.Sci., 

Wishes hereby to apply, 

To earn a few bob,
At an interesting job,
Six weeks from the end of July.

(Teacup)

The hamlets of East and West Wittering

Began a campaign against littering

They hoovered up bags,

Plastic sandals and fags -

And you at the back can stop tittering!
(LF)

There was an old lady from Crewe

Who lived in an LCC loo.

When asked why it was

She said, “It’s because,

At a penny a day, wouldn’t you?”
(Anon)

If you imbibed too much tea
Relief used to cost thirty pee,
But Victoria Station
Has aided the nation
By making facilities free.
(LF)

One Saturday morning at three,

A cheesemonger's shop in Paree.

Collapsed to the ground,

With a thunderous sound,

Leaving only a pile of debris.

My neighbour came over to say,

And not in a neighbourly way,

That he'd knock me around,

If he heard one more sound,

Of the classical music I play.

As a beauty I am not a star,

There are others more handsome by far.

But my face I don't mind it,

Cos I am behind it –

Though for you it's a bit of a jar.

Money, you hear people say,

Is the root of all evil today,

But if you ask for a rise

It is no surprise

They’re not giving any away.

There was an old man who averred

He had learned how to fly like a bird.

Cheered by thousands of people,

He leapt from the steeple –

His tomb states the date it occurred.
(AG)

One for sorrow,

Two for joy,

Three for a girl,

Four for a boy,

Five for silver,

Six for gold,

Seven for Customer Service,

Or eight to listen to these options again.

(@FubsyShabaroon)

Come all you beach combers and list unto me

The species of plastic you find in the sea

The cup lids and condoms and driftwood and shoes

The toothbrushes, lighters you find in the ooze

The golf tees and curlers and nurdles and twine

The Lego and loom bands you find in the brine 

The coffee pods, cotton buds, endless teaspoons

The bits of rope, twine and net, grounded balloons

The fishing rope offcuts, smartie caps, dog poo bags

The Lego and crates, cable ties, little tags.

Do you find plastic bottles and lots of blue string?

Who knows what a beachcombing outing will bring!

LF/ Tracey Williams

Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,

Fain would I fathom thy nature specific.

Loftily poised in the ether capacious,

Strongly resembling a gem carbonaceous.

More here.