Friday 19 February 2021

Received Ideas in Quotes: It Happened to Me!

No, it didn't.

Thirty years ago my mother used to “cook dinner for everybody in the street” and now nobody cares about her.

My dad watered mum’s plants and they turned out to be plastic!

This kid lay on the pavement because he was cross that his gloves matched his jacket!

My parents told us that when the icecream van played Greensleeves it meant they’d run out of icecream!

A friend claims that he goes into a supermarket and fills a basket with food, and if there are self-service checkouts he just leaves the basket and walks out.

Science and nature TV presenter Liz Bonnin “takes all the plastic off her shopping and leaves it at supermarket tills to highlight the overuse of packaging”. (Times Dec 31 2020. She could easily take a TV crew with her...)

I no longer buy meat products from supermarkets because they promote Halal. I use my local butcher instead. I told him recently that his sausages were the best I had ever tasted. "That's because they contain a secret ingredient," he said. "What's that?" I asked. "Meat" he replied. (@Sleazebuster. I'm not sure of the point of this story.)

I was sitting in a café when two paramedics came in and queued for coffee and cakes. Before they could get their order, they got a call. “This always happens to us!”, they joked as they left. (The story then segues to a request for emergency services to be allowed to jump the queue. A petition was set up in 2017. It’s a good cause, but why start your appeal with a fake story? Oh I see...)

I came across a handful [of Remain marchers] down Whitehall. I heard one threaten to knock someone out. I spun my son around and got away from them. (@DamoFsMum)

My Uber driver last night had 2 phones: one for his wife and one for his girlfriend. He rang both of them (separately) while driving me. (@Catiewilkins. “Made-up story for likes”, says another Tweeter. Wilkins is a children’s author and stand-up comic.)

We were once told at work that we couldn’t ask for black or white coffee but rather coffee with milk and without. Our response was to drink more coffee and have it either black or white. The thought police gave up after a couple of weeks. We have to fight back against these loons. (@PattyUKGB. @Otto_English replies: No you weren’t. You’re welcome.)

So I just got back from lunch with a 24-year-old. I said “Isn’t it funny that there are almost no women trying to figure out what men need, what they are really like, how to have successful relationships with them?” She says “Women don’t care.” (@fotogreg. Today in things which never happened, says @SecuLawyer.)

Seems that my campaign against the rhetoric of anecdotes in party-leaders’ speeches has to continue (it’s a recent generic convention that barely works aesthetically or cognitively but it won’t die). (@ProfAFinlayson)

A cab driver told me if he saw any of those Remainers or Tory sell outs he’d spit in their face or something worse. This is not the first time I’ve heard this angry language. The betrayal May has inflicted will cause more angry division than ever before and who could blame them. (Steven Woolfe MEP)

Feel free to borrow any of these memes – you'll be shared and retweeted all over the internet.

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