Outrageous Excuses, Part 5

Dolphin hunting is "traditional fishing culture", says Japan as annual slaughter of hundreds of dolphins begins. (@TheWeekUK)

[I was not strangling my wife], I was holding her by the neck to make her focus.” (Charles Saatchi)

I was having a schizophrenic episode. (“Signer” at Mandela’s memorial)

Rogue taxi driver tells police "I've had a hair transplant". (Manchester Evening News 2013 He was caught using his – older, balder – brother’s cab licence.)

I am not a [….] but… (People seem to hate being called “bigots” the most.)

May I say this is a human undertaking? (Indian scientist apologising for a mistake about glaciers in a global warming report 2013)

Argos has thousands of products - they're bound to make mistakes sometimes. (Spokesman justifying the sale of a zombie Halloween costume with bloodstained shirt and axe labelled “mental patient”. September 26, 13)

Stephanie Banister (hoping to represent Australia’s One Nation party in the elections) today said her words were "twisted" and taken out of context, making her out to be "a stand-up criminal and a stupid moron." (In a TV interview, she said she “didn’t oppose Islam country” and Muslims eat “haram” food. 2013-08-08)

The "Nightstalker" said his wife left his DNA at the crime scenes.

“But the wise ones said: A woman shall not read from the Torah in order to respect the public.” (Tractate Megillah I think that means "because some people wouldn’t like it".)


All My Great Excuses
I started on my homework
but my pen ran out of ink.
My hamster ate my homework.
My computer's on the blink.

I accidentally dropped it
in the soup my mom was cooking.
My brother flushed it down the toilet
when I wasn't looking.

My mother ran my homework
through the washer and the dryer.
An airplane crashed into our house.
My homework caught on fire.

Tornadoes blew my notes away.
Volcanoes struck our town.
My notes were taken hostage
by an evil killer clown.

Some aliens abducted me.
I had a shark attack.
A pirate swiped my homework
and refused to give it back.

I worked on these excuses
so darned long my teacher said,
"I think you'll find it's easier
to do the work instead."
Kenn Nesbitt

More here, and links to the rest.