Monday 4 June 2012

More Corny Old Jokes

Sorry if you've heard them before.

Man in crowd menaced by King Kong: Run! Run! It's - Oh God, I'm terrible with names! (cartoonist Bill Tidy)

Morning, doctor, I only came to see you to see if what I came to see you about was worth coming to see you about.

Are you sure you’ve lost an electron?
Yes, I’m positive.

Theatrical anecdotes are nearly all made up, and nearly all unfunny. Apart from:

At the panto auditions:  
1st theatrical child: [dejected] No luck! You get anything?
2nd theatrical child: [preening] Third raspberry in the fruit scene!
(May be an old music hall joke.)

A flustered admirer runs up to Julie Andrews with an autograph book: “Oh, Miss Andrews! This is amazing! You’re my biggest fan!”

Mrs Patrick Campbell visits a friend backstage: “Darling, that was a tour de force! Whereas I, alas, am forced to tour!”

Actor: [anguished] Could you see my wig join?
Fellow actor: [soothingly] Perfectly, dear boy, perfectly!

Shop assistant selling broom: Shall I wrap it? Old woman: No, thank you, I’ll ride it home. (Charles Addams)

Sergeant: I didn’t see you at camouflage practice!
Private: Thankyou, sir. (Frank Carson)

A visitor turns up at a progressive school run by philosopher Bertrand Russell. A naked child opens the door.
Visitor: “Oh, my God!”
Child: “We don’t believe in Him here!” (slams door)

A man rings beautifully spoken art critic Brian Sewell. A woman answers:
Could I speak to Brian Sewell, please?
No! E ain’t ere, e’s aht!
I see – do you know when he’ll be back?
Not a clue, mate!
And to whom am I speaking, please? 
Im ’is Mum! Tara!

Visitor: I say, lad, does it always rain here in Norway?
Lad: I don't know, sir. I'm only seven. (Rupert Goodwins)

There’s an old tale about a great wine expert who was asked to blind taste a bottle, and he sniffed it and swilled it and sipped it and eventually he said, “Well, it’s a Chateau Xxxx, 19nn, and the grapes are from the south western section of the estate, and they were picked in the last week in September, and the wine was crafted by M. Xxxx. And isn’t it nasty!” (commenter on Ed Yong’s blog Jan 2012)

Diner: Waiter! What’s this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: The backstroke, sir./Swimming for dear life, sir./Don’t worry, sir, it’s included in the bill./Escaping from the spider on the bread./Don’t shout, sir, or everyone will want one.

Professor Spooner of Oxford University was known for garbling his words.  It's claimed he said:

It’s easier for a camel to pass through the knee of an idol...

You have hissed all my mystery lectures, you have tasted two whole worms, you must leave at once by the town drain! (Up trains went to London.)

When he asked: Are you occupewing my pie?, a wit replied: No, I was sewn into this sheet.

Three cheers for the queer old dean!

More ancient jokes here. Probably the same ones. Corny religious jokes here.

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