Amphiboly 4

A celebration of the ascent of Christ to Heaven on the fortieth day after the Resurrection from Trafalgar Square, London. (Times radio listings)

On a train, non-smoking compartment.
Lady: You don’t mind if I smoke?
Gent: Then you won’t mind if I’m sick.
Lady: I am one of the directors’ wives!
Gent: If you were the director’s only wife, I should still be sick.

Muchelney Abbey: the only polling station in use today to feature a thatched monks' lavatory. (@EnglishHeritage)

A low-ceilinged, two-storey, timber-framed building with a thatched roof in East Sussex.

We are still having to boil water if we want to drink it in Lancashire.

Expert on the Minoans who ran off with JB Priestley. (Times)

A skeletal horse with no rider and an oversized thumb. (Times)

Applicants must not own a property and be of good character.

CATS EYES REMOVED (road sign)

Slow plant crossing

Refuse to be shot here

Refuse to be put in the skip
Aspiration: “giving every single person the dream of a better life”. (Andy Burnham Thanks, Andy. At least we single people can dream.)

Tender baby leaves with peppery rocket
This Dad Has Been Tattooing His Son’s Drawings On His Own Arm Since He Was 5

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.

Otter talks, 1.30 and 3.30 (poster)

Residents stunned by phallic sculpture (Sculptor says: "Hopefully the opinion will change through time when the sculpture is installed and they'll embrace the work.")

Row over noisy dog ends in court

What are we, animals?
There aren’t too many jobs for Old Stone Age people. (Lars Tharp, Antiques Roadshow)

Letters may be in capitals. (DEAR SIR!)

You must read Tory tabloids.

The maid Anna had saved the netsuke for her, hidden in a mattress.

Tiny studio flat tenants complain about constant Heavy Metal playing next door. Their landlords evict them.

For every 14 approximately white police officers there is only one black police officer. (BBC News)

How to survive a zombie attack by Margaret Atwood

Who was upset about teenage girls getting pregnant on Facebook? (There’s an FB page.)

I’m looking to speak to people finding it hard to afford to heat their home for a BBC programme.

A representative for the Million Dollar Arm actress confirmed that the 35-year-old delivered a baby girl to US Weekly.

Consoled myself after spending five hours in Ashford council chamber with a large piece of Marks and Spencer's lemon Swiss roll. (Sarah Linney ‏@thedailysarah)

HUNTERS
PLEASE USE
CAUTION
WHEN HUNTING
PEDESTRIANS
USING
WALK TRAILS
My random act of kindness will be... walk the dog instead of my parents.

Police shoot man with machete

What's your ideal woman's website? (jezebel.com)

Feathered dinosaur scientist hadn't reckoned with John Humphrys: "Well, hair and feathers - they're basically the same I guess." (David Wilson ‏@omnivorist)

Archaeologists from Durham University have revealed what was on the menu at Durham Cathedral after excavating the kitchen.

NYS considers moving Tesla statue

In the 1920s Gurdjieff founded his Institute for the Harmonious Development of Man in France.

Was there really an RSPCA shop in Bury called Helping Bury Animals?

More here, and links to the rest.