Thursday 19 August 2010

Clichés from The Deep

1,000 things we have learned from current BBC series The Deep from More clichés here, here and here. And here.

1) Russians are very good at welding.

2) Sasha Dhawan can't act for toffee.

3) Nuclear reactors have windows in them so you can see the core.

4) 'Lurch' is a really cool name for a submarine.

5) Being on board a submarine negatively affects everyone's acting ability.

6) nuclear reactors have old manual dials. When they go into the red, the reactor explodes.

7) old abandoned submarines are warm enough to walk around in.

8) Minnie Driver doesn't know how to act as a captain of a submarine.

9) The Russian girl can't act.

10) The young guy has done a great job of taking over from the annoying girl in episode 1 as the person we most want to die.

11) If you get kidnapped and trapped in a Russian sub, its worth looking out the porthole just in case your hubby is floating past.

12) Motherboards are all the same and are dead easy to install.

13) Arctic research stations have one room that looks like a cheap set from Blakes 7.

14. Airlocks are optional – they can be a vital plot point on one vessel, and completely forgotten about on another.

15. Giant submarines operating at -200ft can be pressurised enough to have permanently open moon pools.

16. UN sanctioned submarine crews are allowed to drink beer on board. Evian will be provided for the non-drinkers.

17. If you are one of a two-man crew at a remote outpost, you can threaten to kill the other crewman to hide your crimes, without worrying that there may be a shortage of other suspects afterwards!

19. If forced by "kidnappers" to undergo a form of Russian roulette, it's best to just accept your fate and agree to it, despite both outnumbering and surrounding the kidnappers, who aren't always too alert with their guns.

20. Being held captive deep under the sea is obviously hugely exciting and entertaining because despite having a view of nothing but pitch blackness, when something actually comes into view outside your window, it's not worth looking at for more than a second.

21. If you have long hair, always cut it shorter when away for long periods, just to make sure your other half doesn't think he's imagining things when he catches a glimpse of you. It doesn't matter if you've "always had long hair", you must cut it shorter. Or vice versa, if you have short hair, put on a wig.

22. Don't be fooled by the following week's trailers. The following weeks ep will not be half as exciting and you will actually find it gets worse.

23. The most important "failsafe" on a Russian nuclear submarine needs someone to die for it to work.

24. Every circuit board is a motherboard. And they're all interchangeable - no need to count.

25. The more times you fail to keep in contact with your crew and *beep* them over, the more you'll be entrusted with the most critical missions.

26. If you speak and read Russian and English, you'll be put in charge of the British minisub and if you only speak and read English then you'll be given the Russian one.

27. You will be able to insert rods into the core of a nuclear reactor successfully without being shown how.

28. If you're on a life-or-death mission to save yourself and your colleagues being blown up in a nuclear explosion, the sight of a hag fish will be enough to distract you from the mission in hand and make you reminisce.

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