Outrageous Excuses (and Silly Reasons for Brexit) 7

SILLY REASONS FOR BREXIT 
All spotted in the wild, some paraphrased. "No deal" does not mean we stay in the EU, it means we leave without any trade deals with the EU, and lose any benefit of belonging to the EU.

UK says its Brexit aims are to secure the rights of its citizens, minimise financial impact and protect its borders, while simultaneously suggesting the EU's aims to secure the rights of its citizens, minimise financial impact and protect its borders are tawdry and unreasonable. (@sturdyAlex)

The EU stops us trading with Australia, NZ and Canada.

Why are you so worried about Brexit? If we don’t get a deal we’ll just carry on as before.
A lot of people would vote for “no deal” because they think it means remaining, says Gina Miller.

I voted leave because my foreign neighbours are rude. (Caller-in to James O’Brien.)
I voted leave because I genuinely thought we’d stay in.

The hardest Brexit imaginable. An economy tanking Brexit – queues on the motorways, carnage at ports. None of it will be worse than this twee bullshit. (Alan White ‏@aljwhite, news editor at @BuzzFeedUK. The “twee bullshit” Alan White mentions was anti-Brexit marchers saying “After you!” “No, after you!” in the queue at Costa’s.)

More silly reasons here.

EXCUSES, EXCUSES

Shaun Bailey, Conservative candidate for London mayor, tells the Evening Standard his comments about single mothers were made as “a young man still figuring out his world.” He was 38. And he said there was a “cottage industry” of women becoming pregnant to secure a council home.

I love the Australian programme Nothing to Declare. Incomers to the country are always being caught with food in their bags that they haven't declared by ticking "yes" on a card. They like to say:

I haven’t got my glasses, I couldn’t read the questions, the man in the next seat filled it in for me, I didn’t think this was food, I thought it meant only cooked food, my mother packed my bag, I didn’t understand, it’s not my fault because it was a misunderstanding, it’s my first visit. Take it, I don’t want it! Throw it away! Can we just hurry it up? My baby is crying. I just want to get out of here! I always tick no to every question when I travel anywhere. Sorry. My fault. I’m wrong.

Sarah Phelps is stepping aside from scriptwriting duties because she’s busy with a big eight-part drama. (Radio Times. Phelps' Agatha Christie "adaptations" were widely panned.)

Sexting minister: I was having a breakdown (Sunday Times headline)

I like discussion and to be devil's advocate to see people's passion. (Facebook. I wasn’t being “abusive”, you see. Or a troll.)

Banter is generally used to mask misogynistic/bullying behaviour “It was just a bit of banter”. (@martinsross1)

All the smart conservatives have now adopted the line that "of course Kavanaugh committed perjury, but it was only to avoid damaging his credibility". (@willmenaker)

We’ve all said things like “horseface”. (Sen John Kennedy)

I apologise for spreading anti-Semitic conspiracy theories. It was a youthful mistake. (Paraphrase)

Jeremy Hunt told a reception for ambassadors tonight that he was misquoted on his conference speech when he compared the EU to the Soviet Union, and that his point was the EU protected people from the Soviet Union. (@MichaelLCrick. The interview is on Youtube.)

Japanese PM Shinzo Abe said he “has to admit” female politicians are underrepresented in the Cabinet, but said he had high hopes for Satsuki Katayama. “She is incredibly feisty. I know there is only one woman in this Cabinet, but (she) has a presence worth that of two or three women.” (Japan Times)

Man caught with chemsex drugs said they were "used for cleaning a friend’s classic car".

Me: You’re supposed to stop at every stop unless it’s a request.
Bus driver: No I’m not! Well, yes, I am, but I can’t stop at every single stop!

I can’t leave my wife, she needs me, she can’t cope on her own, you’re stronger than she is. And you'll be stronger on your own. (And besides, I'd lose contact with my children. I can’t afford two households. And two families.)

Sainsbury’s boss Mike Coupe was caught on camera singing “We’re in the money” before an announcement. He said it was to relax before going on air.

Interviewer: I've been told Dinsdale Piranha nailed your head to the floor.
Stig: No. Never. He was a smashing bloke. He used to buy his mother flowers and that. He was like a brother to me.
Interviewer: But the police have film of Dinsdale actually nailing your head to the floor.
Stig: (pause) Oh yeah, he did that.
Interviewer: Why?
Stig: Well he had to, didn't he? I mean there was nothing else he could do, be fair. I had transgressed the unwritten law.
(Monty Python)

More here, and links to the rest.